the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
This hospital has everything
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.