You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
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Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
This dude got his own movie?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
hmm conte-me mais
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”