If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
HELP 😭