I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
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12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.