🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station