My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.