My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The news in a nutshell.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long