Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”