JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.