great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
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Classic German Shepherd 😂
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
#Caturday
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I have never related to anyone more.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared