[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
You Might Also Like
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap