*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
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Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I wanna be friends with this person
Passwords are more important than ever.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.