“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
grotesque if literal: baby food
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.