i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Not today.. 😂
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.