One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Holy moly
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something