The glory of fall.
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Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
*sewing*
A thread
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Damn he played himself
As the Lord intended
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”