Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
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[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…