“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir