Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card