ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
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Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Home #decor warning.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Muppet Screams
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.