Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.