[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.