If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.