Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
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I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Scream sneezers need love too.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow