Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
so much to do
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.