The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Truth
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting