I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
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Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.