Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
the red hot silly peppers
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week