*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
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picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”