Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
You Might Also Like
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Dietest Coke
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.