Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Wikigenius
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
A Short Story.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.