Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
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Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
A bold strategy
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not