Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
nobody’s gonna understand
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me, flirting😏
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
my lower back watching me try to live my life