kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
a public service announcement
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
True
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Cinematography is my passion
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?