Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.