Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
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Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Who knew!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog