Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
United Steaks of America
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
What’s so funny?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window