Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
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[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs