me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
WWE is French for “yes”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]