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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“I’m helping” 😅
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.