[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
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“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
And bowling should be called pinball
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
They did not miss in the small print
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy