I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
That’s incredible! 👌
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat