There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
#dnd #ttrpg
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry