The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
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Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Very good news from my accountant
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.