She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
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[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?