If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
San Francisco has too many rules
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.