[screaming into the void]
MARCO
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.