A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Pikachu found the lost joint
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters