If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
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Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
This was a bad idea all around
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”