me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
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ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Perfect.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Sunday
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.